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audentes fortuna juvat: it has caused me so much pain..
ABOUT ME:
chalkleight
chalkleight
Los Banos, Laguna, Philippines
usually first impression s'kin mataray,masungit and the likes..uhm,sad to say totoo un kc hndi ako msyadong sociable unless there's something in one person that i really like..sbi ng mga close s'kin good listener dw ako but i think im better in ignoring what they are saying pero when i feel n kylangn mo tlga ng mkikinig sau game ako lalo n kung nkakarelate ako s topic mo..'yoko s mga self-proclaimed..those who say a lot 'bout themselves (who cares 'bout them,anyway?) hehehe..trip ko mga humorous kc moody ako..another thing 'bout me is ung temper ko..uhm,it's always at the edge, u knw what i mean..if u nid 2 knw more basahin mo mga testi s'kin kc im sure they say a lot of things 'bout me.. :]
https://www.blogger.com/profile/15896205344583116855
Saturday, January 10, 2009
it has caused me so much pain..
it has caused me so much pain..
and it has been a year..
i hope that she's right here beside me, smiling..and telling me to stop crying..
i miss you so much lola..
12 January 2008
For the nth time, God has reminded me that patience is indeed a virtue.
I started the day as normally as I could. I spent some time jogging after I woke up, fixed my things and started traveling home. I do not usually go home during weekends. The trip wrecks my system. But this Saturday is definitely different. This Saturday is a special day because someone is waiting for me.
Like the last time I went home, the weather is gloomy..actually, it was gloomier this morning. The drizzle outside moistened my heart. But I ignored it. It was the body pain due to jogging that I felt more, the cold damp air intensified the pain. I barely moved during the entire three-hour trip. I was caught in the middle of a heavy traffic and there I noticed that I started to feel nothing. Damn it! I should have been home earlier. Nevertheless, my heart was not telling me to rush home. Running after time was not really an option, it’s just that not knowing what to expect was slowly killing me. The agony of anticipating the unknown made me forget about my swelled muscles. The only thing that resounded inside my head was that someone was waiting for me.
What to expect? What to feel? What to do? What to say? Nothing.
Heavy rain came and started to drown my insides. I started shout but my lips would not move because I don’t seem to be in my right senses. The trip continued and when I reached our town, the rain stopped but my heart was still soaked in the depth of uncertainty and emptiness. As I came nearer to that house, the colder the wind became..chilling my skin, my blood, my bones, my heart..freezing my tears..emptying me more..making me number. I went on because I know someone was waiting for me.
Each step I took towards that most familiar house that I came to know made me forget how to think clearly. Five meters left..silence greeted me “hello..”, I replied silently. Three meters left..solemnity stared at me, I stared back solemnly..everything seemed to tell me that indeed someone was waiting for me..patiently..achingly..
When at last I reached her, she was barely alive. Scarcely breathing. Struggling. Suffering. But still waiting. I held her hand and whispered, “I’m here..” No response came. Just the hard drawing of small amount of air into her lungs in long abnormal intervals. Just the soft beating of her tender heart. Just the last drop of tear from her closed tired eyes. All those told me that she was happy because at last I came. I wiped the tear away.
As I continued to look and admire her face, her eyes opened slowly. We smiled at her and tried to catch her attention but she closed them slowly again and drew another modest amount of air that would suffice her remaining alive body.
I trembled. I thought I would not cry. But my tears replaced the rain in drowning my heart. She took in another breath after 7 seconds..the next inhalation came after 10 seconds..each interval made me feel as if seconds have stretched to infinity. Finally she let go of her grip to life. She let us see her took in her last gasp. A very courageous act it was..and that moment would be etched permanently in my mind.
I heard the last messages for her being said by everyone else except me. My body went really numb. I shuddered. I was crying even harder. I can’t say anything. In my mind I kept on repeating “God, please receive her soul..thank you..”
I checked her pulse knowing that there would be none at all. That was the last time I touched her. I did not kiss her. I do not want to kiss a dead body. The last kiss I gave her was when I left for school after Christmas vacation.
When the funeral services arrived we all have stopped crying. We have expected this already. We accepted it open-mindedly. At least now we are assured that she is happy and that her sufferings have ended. She does not need our tears, she needs our prayers. She would not feel happy if she would see us being saddened by her departure. She loves us that much.
Every time I hear the words “Si Mae lang talaga hinintay..”, I can’t fight that something which engulfs me to guiltdom. I feel so guilty for being so impatient for everything. My grandma showed me the greatest example of patience. Imagine her fragile body waiting for me since the previous night, fighting with all her remaining strength, not allowing death to take her abruptly so that I will be able to see her still alive, so that she could still show me, until her last breath, how much she loves me..
The coffin felt cold, but the lifeless body inside it was even colder.
God knows everything and He has his reasons for all. I thank Him for giving us Lola and I pray that she has now peacefully reached His kingdom.
Cheers to one of the toughest women I came to know, who has showed me how courageous it is to wait for the one you truly loved..
Lola, may you now rest in peace. I love you so much..
