usually first impression s'kin mataray,masungit and the likes..uhm,sad to say totoo un kc hndi ako msyadong sociable unless there's something in one person that i really like..sbi ng mga close s'kin good listener dw ako but i think im better in ignoring what they are saying pero when i feel n kylangn mo tlga ng mkikinig sau game ako lalo n kung nkakarelate ako s topic mo..'yoko s mga self-proclaimed..those who say a lot 'bout themselves (who cares 'bout them,anyway?) hehehe..trip ko mga humorous kc moody ako..another thing 'bout me is ung temper ko..uhm,it's always at the edge, u knw what i mean..if u nid 2 knw more basahin mo mga testi s'kin kc im sure they say a lot of things 'bout me.. :]
somtimes things take a very punishing twist..and the best thing that you can do to help yourself is to stay breathing..
because if you let others do it for you, you'll forget to do it yourself..
and when everthing's gone..
everything's gone.
chalkleight
chalkleight
raem23_sha@yahoo.com
8:47 PM
2932749526186287748
2009/01/#2932749526186287748
http://cracker23.blogspot.com/2009/01/ooppss.html
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
out of stock
out of stock
"i just realized i need a boyfriend..may alam ka bang pwede?"
the message was from one of my dearest friends. though startled, with hands as cold as a doorknob, i typed my reply and sent it with a naughty smile..and we agreed to meet at lunch.
i remembered what happened last weekend when i got a chance to check three houseware stores for a dip-in water heater so that my morning baths wouldn't be so ruthlessly punishing. my conversation with three different salespersons went this way:
- where's the section for dip-in water heaters? SP's - sorry ma'am, they're out of stock.
is everybody really that cold to buy them all?argh!
i would have sent my friend (when she was asking for a boyfriend) the same reply as the salespersons have given me (when i was looking for a heater)..
"sorry *a**, they're out of stock."
and she would have commented the same..
is everybody really that cold to get them all?argh!
and until now, i can still feel the loss..i would not forget..i could not..
and it has been a year..
i hope that she's right here beside me, smiling..and telling me to stop crying..
i miss you so much lola..
12 January 2008 4:10pm
For the nth time, God has reminded me that patience is indeed a virtue. I started the day as normally as I could. I spent some time jogging after I woke up, fixed my things and started traveling home. I do not usually go home during weekends. The trip wrecks my system. But this Saturday is definitely different. This Saturday is a special day because someone is waiting for me.
Like the last time I went home, the weather is gloomy..actually, it was gloomier this morning. The drizzle outside moistened my heart. But I ignored it. It was the body pain due to jogging that I felt more, the cold damp air intensified the pain. I barely moved during the entire three-hour trip. I was caught in the middle of a heavy traffic and there I noticed that I started to feel nothing. Damn it! I should have been home earlier. Nevertheless, my heart was not telling me to rush home. Running after time was not really an option, it’s just that not knowing what to expect was slowly killing me. The agony of anticipating the unknown made me forget about my swelled muscles. The only thing that resounded inside my head was that someone was waiting for me.
What to expect? What to feel? What to do? What to say? Nothing.
Heavy rain came and started to drown my insides. I started shout but my lips would not move because I don’t seem to be in my right senses. The trip continued and when I reached our town, the rain stopped but my heart was still soaked in the depth of uncertainty and emptiness. As I came nearer to that house, the colder the wind became..chilling my skin, my blood, my bones, my heart..freezing my tears..emptying me more..making me number. I went on because I know someone was waiting for me.
Each step I took towards that most familiar house that I came to know made me forget how to think clearly. Five meters left..silence greeted me “hello..”, I replied silently. Three meters left..solemnity stared at me, I stared back solemnly..everything seemed to tell me that indeed someone was waiting for me..patiently..achingly..
When at last I reached her, she was barely alive. Scarcely breathing. Struggling. Suffering. But still waiting. I held her hand and whispered, “I’m here..” No response came. Just the hard drawing of small amount of air into her lungs in long abnormal intervals. Just the soft beating of her tender heart. Just the last drop of tear from her closed tired eyes. All those told me that she was happy because at last I came. I wiped the tear away.
As I continued to look and admire her face, her eyes opened slowly. We smiled at her and tried to catch her attention but she closed them slowly again and drew another modest amount of air that would suffice her remaining alive body.
I trembled. I thought I would not cry. But my tears replaced the rain in drowning my heart. She took in another breath after 7 seconds..the next inhalation came after 10 seconds..each interval made me feel as if seconds have stretched to infinity. Finally she let go of her grip to life. She let us see her took in her last gasp. A very courageous act it was..and that moment would be etched permanently in my mind.
I heard the last messages for her being said by everyone else except me. My body went really numb. I shuddered. I was crying even harder. I can’t say anything. In my mind I kept on repeating “God, please receive her soul..thank you..”
I checked her pulse knowing that there would be none at all. That was the last time I touched her. I did not kiss her. I do not want to kiss a dead body. The last kiss I gave her was when I left for school after Christmas vacation.
When the funeral services arrived we all have stopped crying. We have expected this already. We accepted it open-mindedly. At least now we are assured that she is happy and that her sufferings have ended. She does not need our tears, she needs our prayers. She would not feel happy if she would see us being saddened by her departure. She loves us that much. Every time I hear the words “Si Mae lang talaga hinintay..”, I can’t fight that something which engulfs me to guiltdom. I feel so guilty for being so impatient for everything. My grandma showed me the greatest example of patience. Imagine her fragile body waiting for me since the previous night, fighting with all her remaining strength, not allowing death to take her abruptly so that I will be able to see her still alive, so that she could still show me, until her last breath, how much she loves me..
The coffin felt cold, but the lifeless body inside it was even colder.
God knows everything and He has his reasons for all. I thank Him for giving us Lola and I pray that she has now peacefully reached His kingdom.
Cheers to one of the toughest women I came to know, who has showed me how courageous it is to wait for the one you truly loved..
Lola, may you now rest in peace. I love you so much..
"reposting??yeah, that's the best thing that you can do right now.." sabi ng isa kong friend kanina..kasi ang hirap talagang walang kausap..
yeah..i know..almost exactly like this irrational feeling na naman..
hayy..i'll be fine later..sana..
this is a re-post from one of my blog entries last sept2008.
I can still feel the dryness in my throat despite the glass of water that i hurriedly emptied the moment i reached my room. The hard palpitations in my chest still brings the rest of my muscles into a painfully tensed state. I know my eyes are so furious now, exposing this weak spot of my being. I’m taking in air into my lungs so forcefully as if i’m having a severe asthma attack. Breathing in..breathing out..trying to be relaxed..but the tension persists.
The quick shower i just had did nothing to soothe the heat that incessantly exudes out of my body..it’s as if instead of water, the glass that i just knocked out contained a hard drink. Not only my hands but also my feet are unhealthily cold, they pierce. The music now playing in the background does not help, to think that it’s one of my favorites! Oh, world. Thanks for that stinging sarcasm.
The mirror beside me reflects my untamed side. This is a harsh case of illogically impaired and uncontrolled emotions. Indeed, calming myself down is a terribly complicated and awfully mind-numbing task..that after running a comb through my hair, my only wish now is just to forget everything and be dead for a while.
it was so real, then it suddenly popped out of the crispy cold morning..
i woke up at 8am, take note that i was supposed to be at my workplace already by then..it didn't bother me..why would it? i always considered myself to be the boss..i felt a pride on owning my time. at 9am, i texted one of the project leaders..i said that i would be very late, she replied that it wouldn't be a problem at all.
then my alarm rang..
fortunately and/or unfortunately (i can't decide which one), i was dreaming..it was just a hopeful scene to go to work very late, unashamed..what a nerve shara! to think that it was the first day of work this year!
so what really happened was that i woke up at 6:30am (amazingly 5hrs earlier than my usual waking up time during that grand Christmas vacation at home), managed to finish a boring breakfast, took a punishingly cold bath (in a fifty-percent-hydrophobic manner), got inside my shirt and pants, put on a sweater, ran a hand straightly through my hair which was still freshly dripping (thanks to my trusted conditioner), grabbed my bag and oof i went..goosebumps all over..half-frozen.
i wasn't sure about how "exact" my time was. might be advanced. might be exact. might be late. i was praying hard for it to be either advanced or exact..please, never be late..but i was already deciding on the alternatives if the latter was the case.
cars passed me by..familiar plate numbers..different colors..elegant black. mysterious purple. gorgeous red. i smiled. why worry?? i was inside my lucky shirt by the way.^____^
i crossed the pedestrian lane..walked a bit faster..still smiling despite the questioning looks on the faces of other passersby..at last, i caught glimpse of the (pause, no good adjective available) blue bus. i stepped inside it..trying not to look harassed by time..hayy
i took the vacant last seat. and oh! the irony of life! on 2009's first bus ride, i was sitting with the most snobbish guy of PNCM. darn! there was a large gap between us anyway. thank goodness..and then bus left..convinced that i was the last passenger to board.
the flag ceremony started..then the announcements..and then i heard a damn familiar word..deadline..oh, how i missed it. someone said that each URA1 was asked to write a performance target between January and June, deadline is on monday next week..argh! i'll be absent on that day! that would mean that i'll have to pass it this friday already. uhh..a deadline indeed.
my working desk was the same as when i left it last year..wooden box of gram-stained slides, the last year's calendar, scratch paper under my white mug, used face mask, a pile of readings, record book..dust..layers of it..
the only thing i missed about that desk was my green-framed,oval mirror resting on one corner. i looked at it and saw, who else, but my face..with that familiar look of longing for the sweet protective warmth of my bed against the bone-chilling air (yawn).
yey!!kahit sobrang lamig kanina sa bahay, nagawa kong magising before 10am!!
congratulations me!
pabalik na kasi akong lb ulit..
so trabaho na naman bukas..
buti nakasama ko sina phoebe at neil sa pagsimba at dinner kanina..hmp.ayoko ngang mag-isa sa first dinner ko sa lb ngayong taon..
at syempre di naman pwedeng kasama ko sila buong gabi di ba??so mag-isa na ulit ako ngayon..huhu
natawa naman ako sa thought nung isa kong nabasang blog..about sa pag-slant ng ulo ng isang tao habang nagpapa-picture..oo nga naman..may point sya..(hindi ko na sabihin kung kaninong blog..wahaha)
and i was upset about the profile of that girl my brother was bragging about..humanda yang kapatid ko pag-uwi ko..maganda pala ha!
i tried to include the improvement of my patience to my short list of new year's resolutions..but hell is really testing me..it's just the 3rd day of 2009, and my head's about to burst..
basta..hindi maganda ang araw na 'to..naipit ako sa project ng kapatid ko, hindi tuloy ako makaalis..dapat babalik na kong LB..so much about sisterhood..di ko lang talaga ma-take na magpa-pass sya ng publication na para bang hindi man lang pinag-isipan..hayy kung di ba naman ako intrimitida talaga..hmp..and thinking about it, kasalanan ko rin pala..pero basta naiinis ako..at ang mas nakakainis e blog lang ang outlet ko..argh!
- where's the section for dip-in water heaters?
