Beautiful stillness

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audentes fortuna juvat: January 2008

ABOUT ME:

chalkleight

chalkleight

Los Banos, Laguna, Philippines

usually first impression s'kin mataray,masungit and the likes..uhm,sad to say totoo un kc hndi ako msyadong sociable unless there's something in one person that i really like..sbi ng mga close s'kin good listener dw ako but i think im better in ignoring what they are saying pero when i feel n kylangn mo tlga ng mkikinig sau game ako lalo n kung nkakarelate ako s topic mo..'yoko s mga self-proclaimed..those who say a lot 'bout themselves (who cares 'bout them,anyway?) hehehe..trip ko mga humorous kc moody ako..another thing 'bout me is ung temper ko..uhm,it's always at the edge, u knw what i mean..if u nid 2 knw more basahin mo mga testi s'kin kc im sure they say a lot of things 'bout me.. :]

https://www.blogger.com/profile/15896205344583116855

Friday, January 18, 2008

until next time my dear lola..

until next time my dear lola..

12 January 2008
4:10pm

For the nth time, God has reminded me that patience is indeed a virtue.
I started the day as normally as I could. I spent some time jogging after I woke up, fixed my things and started traveling home. I do not usually go home during weekends. The trip wrecks my system. But this Saturday is definitely different. This Saturday is a special day because someone is waiting for me.
Like the last time I went home, the weather is gloomy..actually, it was gloomier this morning. The drizzle outside moistened my heart. But I ignored it. It was the body pain due to jogging that I felt more, the cold damp air intensified the pain. I barely moved during the entire three-hour trip. I was caught in the middle of a heavy traffic and there I noticed that I started to feel nothing. Damn it! I should have been home earlier. Nevertheless, my heart was not telling me to rush home. Running after time was not really an option, it’s just that not knowing what to expect was slowly killing me. The agony of anticipating the unknown made me forget about my swelled muscles. The only thing that resounded inside my head was that someone was waiting for me.
What to expect? What to feel? What to do? What to say? Nothing.
Heavy rain came and started to drown my insides. I started shout but my lips would not move because I don’t seem to be in my right senses. The trip continued and when I reached our town, the rain stopped but my heart was still soaked in the depth of uncertainty and emptiness. As I came nearer to that house, the colder the wind became..chilling my skin, my blood, my bones, my heart..freezing my tears..emptying me more..making me number. I went on because I know someone was waiting for me.
Each step I took towards that most familiar house that I came to know made me forget how to think clearly. Five meters left..silence greeted me “hello..”, I replied silently. Three meters left..solemnity stared at me, I stared back solemnly..everything seemed to tell me that indeed someone was waiting for me..patiently..achingly..
When at last I reached her, she was barely alive. Scarcely breathing. Struggling. Suffering. But still waiting. I held her hand and whispered, “I’m here..” No response came. Just the hard drawing of small amount of air into her lungs in long abnormal intervals. Just the soft beating of her tender heart. Just the last drop of tear from her closed tired eyes. All those told me that she was happy because at last I came. I wiped the tear away.
As I continued to look and admire her face, her eyes opened slowly. We smiled at her and tried to catch her attention but she closed them slowly again and drew another modest amount of air that would suffice her remaining alive body.
I trembled. I thought I would not cry. But my tears replaced the rain in drowning my heart. She took in another breath after 7 seconds..the next inhalation came after 10 seconds..each interval made me feel as if seconds have stretched to infinity. Finally she let go of her grip to life. She let us see her took in her last gasp. A very courageous act it was..and that moment would be etched permanently in my mind.
I heard the last messages for her being said by everyone else except me. My body went really numb. I shuddered. I was crying even harder. I can’t say anything. In my mind I kept on repeating “God, please receive her soul..thank you..”
I checked her pulse knowing that there would be none at all. That was the last time I touched her. I did not kiss her. I do not want to kiss a dead body. The last kiss I gave her was when I left for school after Christmas vacation.
When the funeral services arrived we all have stopped crying. We have expected this already. We accepted it open-mindedly. At least now we are assured that she is happy and that her sufferings have ended. She does not need our tears, she needs our prayers. She would not feel happy if she would see us being saddened by her departure. She loves us that much.
Every time I hear the words “Si Mae lang talaga hinintay..”, I can’t fight that something which engulfs me to guiltdom. I feel so guilty for being so impatient for everything. My grandma showed me the greatest example of patience. Imagine her fragile body waiting for me since the previous night, fighting with all her remaining strength, not allowing death to take her abruptly so that I will be able to see her still alive, so that she could still show me, until her last breath, how much she loves me..
The coffin felt cold, but the lifeless body inside it was even colder. God knows everything and He has his reasons for all. I thank Him for giving us Lola and I pray that she has now peacefully reached His kingdom.
Cheers to one of the toughest women I came to know, who has showed me how courageous it is to wait for the one you truly loved..Lola, may you now rest in peace. I love you so much..

chalkleight

chalkleight

raem23_sha@yahoo.com

4:47 AM

7712173236476817454

2008/01/#7712173236476817454

http://cracker23.blogspot.com/2008/01/until-next-time-my-dear-lola_18.html

until next time my dear lola..

until next time my dear lola..

16 January 2008
11:45pm

Everything felt entirely different. Walking under a mournful sky with everyone in white, following a gray car with a coffin inside it and hearing Josh Groban’s “To Where You Are” in the background seemed so alien. I can’t seem to feel the annoyance of walking with my feet slightly wet due to light rain. Actually, I can’t seem to feel anything else but the difference of every moment.
It was my first time to attend a burial of an immediate family member. My first time to pay attention to everything that was happening from the moment that mint green coffin was carried out of the house until its entombment.
Many relatives came and sympathized.
Before the mass, I was told that I will be reading the first reading and the responsorial psalm. It felt so nice to do something for someone you love thinking that it will be the last time you will be able to serve her. Feeling conscious in front of those people, I know that Lola would have been so proud seeing her granddaughter dressed like a lady and acting like one.
Before the coffin was brought to the cemetery, we were still given a chance to let our cries out. Good thing nobody collapsed. My tears came slowly. I wiped them before each drop reach my cheeks. My sobs and red swollen eyes betrayed me. But I was not sad. The tears were for the memories with her. Those times that she spent adoring us..loving us..giving for us..sacrificing for us..she was such a wonderful gift from God.
The burial happened just like in the movies. Green grasses. Cool breeze. White roses. White and green balloons. Rectangular hole. Pulleys for the coffin. I know she loved it. She was entombed in a very nice place. She deserved to be treated that way.
When everything was finished we went home and continued the prayers. Exhaustion was really pressing everyone down. I was not able to pay attention. I was even sleeping by then. Lola surely understood me.
I left for school five hours ago. I do not want to hear more cries on the first night of my Lola’s absence. I do not want to see more of the agony. I am a coward, yes. But who would care? Everything is fine now.

Who can say for certain
Maybe you’re still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear
Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You’re still an inspiration
Can it be (? )
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above
Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are
Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn’t faith believing
All power can’t be seen
As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
cause you are mine
Forever love
Watching me from up above
And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave
Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are
I know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are

chalkleight

chalkleight

raem23_sha@yahoo.com

4:42 AM

7254643569320487214

2008/01/#7254643569320487214

http://cracker23.blogspot.com/2008/01/until-next-time-my-dear-lola.html

Friday, January 04, 2008

ako ba talaga to?!

ako ba talaga to?!

"Addiction feels great..yet the uncertainty over it consumes almost every bit of my consciousness.."

"When this game ends..surely it will hurt.."

"..a poisonous routine that will eventually cause our sweetest downfall..tsk,tsk.."

"...the absence of the routine felt horrible.."

"Asar! ako ang talo.ako ang talo.ako ang talo.
if im on my own self right now, i would never let myself to be the loser.."

"..ngayon dito ako sa bed ko..
but this is not the same bed as i had three months ago..this bed is empty..
the bed i had was full of happiness, full of laughter, full of brightness..
but the one i have now is just a plain bed wihout anything in it..
so empty..
and cheers to it!!!"

"..i want to curse myself for behaving idiotically.."

"At the end of the day, all i've got is myself.. and my eyebags.."

"God!You did not tell me this is going to be like this..like hell..not even in a warning.."

"..i forgot to fight
..i forgot to get up
..i forgot to forget.."

"akala ko inilalakad ko sila..
yun pala itinakbo ko sarili ko"

"i never said that i love you"

"it feels good to be able to hear my alarm clock again..hahaha
or to be able to relate to everything again...
nawala pala ako for almost three months...
cheers to my return! "

"At the end of the day, I was left cleaning up my own mess.."

"i fall asleep only in the hopes of dreaming
that everything would be like it was before.." -blind, lifehouse

"To forget easily is a gift." -korean movie

"if reality bites, then bite it back.." -rm3101

"Danes: Hoy!para kang batang inagawan ng candy e!!
RaEm: Yeah..actually, the sweetest candy.." -rm2201

"At the end of the day, all i've got is myself.." -MJSSo

"Pucha! e dali lang nun e! bakit kung ******** ka parang di na *******?!?!?!" -melai

chalkleight

chalkleight

raem23_sha@yahoo.com

3:48 PM

8597164973779777699

2008/01/#8597164973779777699

http://cracker23.blogspot.com/2008/01/ako-ba-talaga-to.html

Cheers to my return to emptiness..

Cheers to my return to emptiness..

Tattoed on my Mind

Maybe you soon forget about all
or maybe you'll miss it like I do
one thing's for sure:I'm all knocked out
spend too much time thinking of you

And I can't get you out of my dreams
Now I know that you're the dangerous kind
and your smile is tattooed on my mind
And I can't get you out of my dreams

Don't wanna write,
I don't wanna call,
I would not know what to say
It should be you,
that's how I want it to be
Tell me you feel the same way

Oh, yesterday I was feeling safe
All I do today is trying to be brave
And no melody can seem to soothe my mind
And now I curse you for being so sweet and so kind
Yes I know you're tatooed on my mind you're tatooed.....

As I Lay Me Down

It felt like springtime on this February morning
In the courtyard birds were singing your praise
I'm still recalling things you said to make me feel alright
I carried them with me today,
Now

As I lay me down to sleep
This I pray
That you will hold me dear
Though I'm far away
I'll whisper your name into the sky
And I will wake up happy
I wonder why I feel so high
Though I am not above the sorrow
Heavy hearted
Till you call my name
And it sounds like church bells
Or the whistle of a train
On a summer evening
I'll run to meet you
Barefoot barely breathing

It's not too near for me
Like a flower I need the rain
Though it's not clear to me
Every season has its change
And I will see you
When the sun comes out again

Jesus Take The Wheel

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It would been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way to fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was sooo scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all on my ownI'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my lifeI know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

chalkleight

chalkleight

raem23_sha@yahoo.com

3:41 PM

6755760431081465832

2008/01/#6755760431081465832

http://cracker23.blogspot.com/2008/01/tattoed-on-my-mind-maybe-you-soon.html