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audentes fortuna juvat: Excerpt 31May2008: When the inevitable happens, I'm sure you're going to miss me.

ABOUT ME:

chalkleight

chalkleight

Los Banos, Laguna, Philippines

usually first impression s'kin mataray,masungit and the likes..uhm,sad to say totoo un kc hndi ako msyadong sociable unless there's something in one person that i really like..sbi ng mga close s'kin good listener dw ako but i think im better in ignoring what they are saying pero when i feel n kylangn mo tlga ng mkikinig sau game ako lalo n kung nkakarelate ako s topic mo..'yoko s mga self-proclaimed..those who say a lot 'bout themselves (who cares 'bout them,anyway?) hehehe..trip ko mga humorous kc moody ako..another thing 'bout me is ung temper ko..uhm,it's always at the edge, u knw what i mean..if u nid 2 knw more basahin mo mga testi s'kin kc im sure they say a lot of things 'bout me.. :]

https://www.blogger.com/profile/15896205344583116855

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Excerpt 31May2008: When the inevitable happens, I'm sure you're going to miss me.

Excerpt 31May2008: When the inevitable happens, I'm sure you're going to miss me.

10,000 bedbugs, dustmites and other unidentified insects.

1,000 cobweb-makers.

100 baby beetles and ants.

10 kilograms of dust.

1 old spotted ugly cockroach.

I let my room breathe. I free it from those listed above (um, except for that one yucky monster cockroach; I wasn’t able to kill it or idiotically run after it; surely, sooner or later, I would just be seeing it madly fighting the air, because of its upside down position, or hopefully, lying dead; and besides, it is alone, single, and wouldn’t be able to propagate unless I let another yucky monster cockroach enter the room, which of course, would be impossible. I’m sure it will commit suicide in no time..nyahaha)

I don’t know what has gotten into me. Might be the hell of living with bedbugs, et al which had formed their own ecosystems inside my ecosystem. These past few nights, they crazily got my wits out of me. In any case, this sickeningly cleaning-up session is really mysterious, well, Papa might even call it a miracle if he would be able to see what I did.

Today is Saturday, I should be on my way home, but knowing myself, I always find instant delaying tactics. Right now, I’m taking a rest while writing here. I know I should finish this one before anything else happens.

I woke up at 5:30am. Pretty unusual. Actually, this past whole week, I accidentally started embracing early-bird-dom. Why accidentally? Hmm.. I accidentally fell asleep every night at a little past 12, and then I would accidentally wake up after five and a half hours and decide whether I will run around the field or hide under my blanket. I usually settle on the latter.

This morning, when I accidentally opened my eyes and saw that it was as usual 5:30am, I just stared at the ceiling for 15 minutes, and had some stupid random thoughts run inside my still snoring brain. Bedbugs, dustmites, cobwebs, cobweb-makers, dust, cockroach..all those freaky images. Some more dumb thoughts were about my inconsiderate cell phone, about the people running out there, about the ghosts inside the dorm, about the creepy cats down there, about having a boyfriend sooner, about what I did the whole week and the likes. I also remember thinking about the sunrise, my family, my friends and myself. Yes, I also thought about **** and seriously cursed myself for still thinking about him and the childish, wishful and pathetic possibilities that I thought I almost had.

After a while, I noticed that the zzzzz’s were nowhere to be found and that only the dirty cobwebs hanging in the ceiling were in sight. I got up and frantically started fixing, wiping, sweeping, folding, sweating, sneezing and scratching. I almost behaved obsessively and compulsively. (Weeee!!OC??)

I hate cleaning up because I can’t stand having to deal with dusts and allergies that they cause. Good thing some sensibility was extracted from me this morning when I realized that I won’t get rid of those dust unless I start cleaning up. I’m having skin allergies (so uncomfortable and irritating, but I can’t do anything about them) and slight whistles right now..and backaches, dirty hair, sticky sweat, goosebumps..darn..but in spite of all those, I know I should finish this one before anything else happens. Argh! Cleaning is really insane!!

Bakit ganon? Kapag gumagawa ako ng mabuting bagay pakiramdam ko malapit na ‘kong mamatay?

Weird..yung thought..hindi yung pagtatagalog..

Syempre para sa’kin ang paglilinis ay isang mabuting gawain kaya talagang tinatanong ko ang sarili ko kanina..bakit ko ba ‘to ginagawa ? E nakalagay sa eskedyul ko sa isang linggo pa’to..mamamatay na ba ako mamaya?

Weird ulit. That’s why I know I should finish this one before anything else happens. Who knows..??

While doing the cleaning mystery I just did, I couldn’t help but silently ponder on that thought. The inevitable. I realized that I’ll have no last will and testament! What will happen to my things? To my belongings? To the garbage I got from the past? (mga kasentihan e..)

Will they throw them? Burn them? Bury them? How about my journals? Will they read them? Publish them? Make a movie of my life out of them? Or simply ignore them?

My journals are the most important things that I own. I make them. I write them. The only things that I own legitimately..and I wish that somebody else, if not me, will publish them in the future.

You think I’m crazy don’t you? Well, yes I am. I am crazy for if ever I will indeed be leaving this world later this day, I wouldn’t be able to tell my Creator that I have lived a meaningful and inspiring life.

And the most probable things that will burst out of my mouth will be:

“Your Highness, can I have another chance?...

to live that wasted life the other way?
to say the words that I should have said and swallow those that should not have come out?..to say sorry to those who deserve my apologies?..and to say thanks to everyone?
to do everything that I could have done to make a valuable difference?
to let my beloved ones know how much I love them, how much I care for them and how much I have thought of loving them more, caring for them more and doing more things for them?
to smile at everyone and make more friends?
to be more responsible?
to be braver, stronger and smarter?
to be pretenseless?
to be happier and at the same time make others happier, too?
and to be the shara that I have never been?

Of course, the following will also be included:

to live a healthier life?
to watch more, read more and write more?
to eat more sweets?
to have a real boyfriend and experience a real date?
to giggle more over the more stupid thoughts?
to attend a masquerade ball in Europe, to climb to the top of a pyramid (then admire the constellations above..uhh, so familiar..)in Egypt, and to observe an actual aurora borealis in the northern hemisphere?
to watch and wish more on shooting stars?
to parasail? to scuba dive? to skydive? to bungee jump? to surf? to wakeboard? to learn capoeira? to meditate?
to do everything in number 18 with Marc Nelson?
to tell *****r*:

that I have never regretted loving him..
that he was the only person that I have ever thought of living with in the future..
that when I gave him up (click: http://shara0508.multiply.com/journal/item/38/excerpt081904 ) I was still hoping that in the right time and in the right place, with the right reason, we will meet (hopefully not as cats) and start all over again..
and that when I finally decided to get totally over with him, I realized that he will forever be a treasure to me..

to love and value my life more?

With those 21 things, you think I’ll be given another chance? Will I be readmitted? Or will I just sit in heaven (Yes, in heaven!), stare blankly at nowhere and silently wish for that another chance?

God has always been the greatest. I know He has His best plans for me. And with those plans, I’ll be happiest.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

I can’t recall anything strange that has happened which could have evoked those thoughts..except for some comments about my usually high energy levels, unexpectedly good grades in my summer classes, hyperacidities, malfunctioning of my cellphone, nostalgia-like encounters over the toiletries (click: http://shara0508.multiply.com/journal/item/115/nakakalunod_ang_amoy_pag-ibig )...what else??

Strange dreams?? None.

Strange people?? None.

Strange activities?? None..except for this cleaning-the-whole-2204 mania.

Maybe nothing will happen to me.

Maybe this is not my last entry yet.

If in case this is it, then be ready, for I’m sure you’re going to miss me..terribly..

^______^

chalkleight

chalkleight

raem23_sha@yahoo.com

7:46 PM

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http://cracker23.blogspot.com/2008/06/excerpt-31may2008-when-inevitable.html